THE SECRETS OF A HAPPY MARRIAGE

ACCORDING TO THE RAMBAM AND THE ZOHAR

SOURCE:  RABBI  ZAMIR COHEN

The Holy Zohar tells us that there is no such thing, in essence, as a strictly “feminine” or strictly “masculine” soul.  Each individual soul, rather, is made up of both a “feminine” and “masculine” half that unite to comprise a single soul.  Each half of this soul then descends into a human body at birth, one half into a male child and the other into a female.  Then need for a partner, for a soul mate, is thus the need to be whole again, to unite both facets of this one soul.

Knowing this, we can now readily understand the secret to a happy and blissful marriage.  As an analogy, think of two Prime Ministers attempting to jointly run a single country.  Their government would be anything but effective, and would probably quickly fall apart.  However, if these same leaders, instead of being charged with the same tasks, would instead run different offices and serve different functions within the government, not only would this government function effectively, but it would be stronger for having these two leaders at its helm.

The same holds true for a marriage, which is a similar type of partnership.  If a couple views its relationships as two individuals who consistently compete for the same roles and functions, that is as “two Prime Ministers” who attempt to jointly run the country, their marriage is doomed to failure from the outset.  As the Midrash astutely tells us, two kings cannot compete for the same crown.  The creator of the universe, and of mankind, would thus never have created a partnership, a marriage, between individuals with completely identical traits and qualities.  For that reason mean and women, the two parts of a married couple, are not identical either in body of spirit.

Our creator thus forged one person, one soul, made up of two components:  A masculine component that is more aggressive and forward, and a feminine half that is more soft and sensitive.  These are two halves of a single vessel; not allegorically but quite literally.  Our sages tell us in the Talmud that a single, unmarried person is merely half a man.  Each half, masculine and feminine, is wonderful in and of itself, but markedly different to its mate in terms of its emotional needs and makeup.  These two halves, masculine and feminine, then come together in marriage to form a perfect whole, mainly due to the fact that they are so disparate, yet wholly complimentary.  In order to thrive and live harmoniously as a couple, then, each spouse must be well aware of the emotional makeup and needs of his or her mate, and act in a sensitive and conscientious manner in order to adequately meet those needs.

The Rambam teaches us, that on the whole, women need to be treated in a more respectful and sensitive manner than do men.  They need a kind word, a willing ear, a partner willing to listen and to offer support and consideration without being explicitly asked – in other words sensitivity and gentleness in both word and deed.  That is the honor and respect that a woman demands and necessitates.

A man, on the other hand, needs a strong sense of authority and masculine pride.  He therefore needs to be consulted before his mate takes any action, and for his opinion to be respected.  When a man disagrees with his wife, and his opinion is neither respected nor valued, he becomes aloof and estranged from his feminine mate.  Some do not like to acknowledge these natural differences between males and females, and do not understand that there is nothing wrong in their being two wholly different individuals, who are wonderful and valuable in and of themselves.  It is these differences that combine for a wondrous and complimentary whole, when each partner becomes aware of his mate’s emotional needs, and does his best to tend to them and please their mate.  When each member of a married couple recognizes this, he or she acts in harmony with their mate, and gives them the emotional nurturing that they need.

That is, he or she provides their mate with the emotional needs that they truly need and require, in lieu of what they think is needed.  It is this approach to marriage that serves to create a truly lasting, happy, harmonious and joyous union between husband and wife.