In this week’s parsha, we have the commandment to rebuke others: “You shall surely rebuke your friend.” (Vayikra 19:17) Rebuking someone is a serious issue and our Sages have pointed out that usually it is not done properly. So this week, I would like to look at two points from our double-parsha so we can learn together how to properly rebuke others.

First, before rebuking, a person must look at the verses stated before the verse quoted above. They speak about specific mitzvos a person is required to fulfill to properly behave towards his fellow man. They include: judging with righteousness, avoiding tale-bearing, and not hating your brother in your heart. The reason these appear before the verse about rebuking is because these behaviors are required before a person rebukes another. A person needs to be a caring individual who always looks for the good in others. He needs to be a person with a positive attitude, because that type of person would never speak Lashon Hara and would always judge others favorably. Once a person lives this type of life, the type of rebuke he will give will be different and it will be listened to. If a person does not have these characteristics, he may look at the situation negatively and will not rebuke the other person for the other person’s benefit – he will do it for his own benefit (either to let off steam or just to knock the other guy down or embarrass him.) and this will accomplish nothing.

Second, in the beginning of Achrei Mos, we learn that on Yom Kippur, the Cohain Gadol would ask for atonement for sins three times. First, he asks for himself and his family. Then for himself, his family, and all of the Cohanim. Finally, he asks for all of the Jewish people. The order is extremely important. First, he focuses on himself and his own sins and gradually expands out to include everyone else. This is what a person must do when rebuking. Before rebuking another, he should first focus on himself and make sure he is not guilty of the same sin. Remember: when a person points a finger at others, three fingers are pointing back at him.

The Chofetz Chaim used to say: I originally thought I could change the world. When I saw I could not do that, I thought I could change my country. When I saw I could not do that, I thought I could change my city, my community, my neighborhood, or at least my family. When I saw I could not do that, I finally decided the only one I could change is myself. Although, the Chofetz Chaim did not say the next part, we can clearly see that because he worked on himself, he eventually changed his family, neighborhood, community, city, country, and the entire world. Where would we be without the Chofetz Chaim? It is only because he first focused on himself.

So, before rebuking, a person should first work on himself. He should make sure he is the proper type of person and behaves in a positive manner. He should be a caring individual. When a person lives this type of life, he will properly be able to rebuke others according to the Torah law and the person receiving it will usually listen to the rebuke.

Good Shabbos!
-yes
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